A College Assignment Gone Wrong
A college assignment gone wrong...
While I was in college many years ago, an esteemed professor assigned a paper, which mandated students to step into a place of worship that differed from our denomination. The size of the church synagogue or mosque we were to choose was also to differ from that we were used to. Finally, we were to scope out a different ethnic cohort than our own.
I had the perfect church. As I traipsed over to my church with the kids, I passed a small African American AMC Church from which I periodically stop to buy cupcakes during their bake sales.
1. It was a tiny intimate church - check
2. It was a Methodist Church (I was Catholic) - check
3. It was African American - check
The church I attended held an attendance of around 3,000 a week, the size with which I was comfortable. Easy to get lost, no one approaching me with too much kindness; it was just the type of church to which I had grown accustomed.
Days passed...Every week, week after week, I could not force myself into that tiny little church. Finally, toward the end of the semester, I sheepishly stepped inside. It was as if I had walked into someone else’s home. Everyone stared at me. My face reddened. Embarrassed, I took a seat and the reverend gave a nice talk about God. During the collection, he asked the visitors to stand and talk a little about what brought them to the church.
I was the only one who stood up. Dying now, I lied before God and talked about bake sales and just finding myself in the neighborhood. Of course that was all false.
In the end, they gave me a plant and sent me on my way.
I wrote up every detail in my college paper including the lie and the discomfort I experienced but it changed me. I immediately understood how hard it is to join, to join anything new. Either people are too friendly or not friendly enough. It seems that no matter what, there’s no internal peace to be found in stepping into new clubs, churches, schools, plug in the variable.
In the years that have passed, it informed my decisions and my encounters with clients in the session rooms. So how do we affectively step out? Not so easy...
Early in my career I took a mediation training. The instructor talked about chunking down goals to manageable pieces. Over the years many books have been written on the topic of changing habits and making connections but easy it is not...
is critical to any change of habit. 1. It’s important to connect with a partner rather than scoping new areas of socialization alone. That is unless you’re extremely extraverted and even then, it can be hard. 2. Continue to attend the meeting or club or social exercise no matter what – as people grow more comfortable around you, they relax and the time spent together is inevitably more fun. 3. Don’t wait for motivation to kick in; it won’t - that is unless your house is on fire. You will be motivated to get out. The behavior must precede the motivation, which does increase over time but it is difficult to start anew and it does take time. 4. Join a group that is attractive to you. You want to optimize your ability to find pleasure in whatever group you’re joining. As a clinical therapist, I see individuals over these types of issues. Isolation not only causes distress but one can argue that it is dangerous. One of my superheroes, Dr. Peter Attia discussed the term para-suicide. In a sentence, para suicide is the slow deterioration of an individual through bad habits that lead to premature death. Is that where you’re finding yourself? If so, call a professional and get help. It’s worth it. You’re more interesting than you think you are. How do I know this? Because I have literally worked with 1,000’s of people and very few have bored me. Don’t wait, help is available. Until next time, remember – Over the years, I never met a person that wasn’t worth it!